The Hitokiri Stainmaster
by Angrybee
Summary: When laundry starts disappearing all over Tokyo, the Kenshingumi worry that Kenshin's alter ego, the Hitokiri Stainmaster, has reappeared! Rating for language and mild suggestive content.
1. Chapter 1: Bleaching

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The Hitokiri Stainmaster ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A long time ago, during the troublesome Woolite Era, one man emerged as the greatest among all his peers. He was feared far and wide for his talents. He was the Hitokiri Stainmaster. Trained in the Ajax Superscrubber Ryu, he cut down stains from one end of Kyoto to the other in the name of cleanliness.  
  
Until one day, he disappeared into the night, smelling lemony fresh, never to return.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Kenshin dipped his hands into the cooling water of the laundry tub. 'Ah! So wonderful! The bubbles are just right today! Look at how the sun sparkles as they pop.'  
  
Yahiko shook his head as he scrubbed the porch. Someday, someday he would be a great Stainmaster like Kenshin. But, for now, he trained under Kamiya Kaoru, in the Kamiya Clorox Ryu, the style which cleans gently. This meant he had to clean the porch with a bundle of feathers, much to his great agitation.  
  
Sanosuke leaned against one of the posts on the porch, watching his friend Himura Kenshin do the laundry for the seventh time that day. 'If he weren't -the- Hitokiri Stainmaster, I'd think that guy was pretty bizarre. Oh wait, that idiot -is- bizarre. But, at least he keeps everyone's clothes soft and smelling nice.'  
  
Just at that moment, Kamiya Kaoru, the mistress of the dojo, burst onto the scene, looking completely frazzled.  
  
"KENSHIN!!!!!!!"  
  
"Oro?" Kenshin murmured as he looked up from the tub at the one thing he loved -more- than laundry, that being the beautiful and strong Kaoru-dono.   
  
"Kenshin!" Kaoru screamed, running to the rurouni and grabbing him by his shoulders to shake him vigorously, "HOW COULD YOU?"  
  
"Ororororo?"  
  
"Don't play stupid with me. Laundry has been disappearing all over Tokyo! What have you been doing? I knew you were spending far too much time when you were out getting tofu."  
  
"But, Kaoru-dono, sessha wouldn't dare touch someone else's laundry." As he gingerly pried his beloved's fingers off his shoulders, Kenshin's mind called to him, 'This is bad. Who would be stealing laundry?'  
  
"And that isn't ALL!" Kaoru exclaimed, "The police found some of the stolen laundry the next day and..." The dojo's master gulped, "It had been -BLEACHED-."  
  
The entire Kenshin-gumi gasped. No. Not bleached!  
  
"Kaoru-dono, you know my vow, you do. I have bleached no garment since the days of the Woolite Era." Kenshin patted the trusty scrubbing-brush at his side.   
  
"I know, Kenshin...I just..." Kaoru sniffled back a tear. "I thought perhaps the Hitokiri Stainmaster side of you had...you know, perhaps taken control."  
  
"This is bad," Sanosuke said, chewing on a toothbrush handle, "What kind of creep would steal other people's laundry?"  
  
"Yes! It is very bad," Kaoru agreed, "Already Dr. Gensai has been reduced to wearing a potato sack, Tsubame is wearing her pirate costume from Halloween, and Megumi has completely run out of breast bindings!"  
  
"Really? Well, I've gotta see that!" Sanosuke exclaimed, jumping off the porch and heading towards the gate.  
  
"Wait, Sano!" Kenshin exclaimed, sniffing at the air, "Someone is nearby. Someone...who smells...of Purex!"  
  
From the shadows of the courtyard, a tall lean man stepped into the light.   
  
"Very astute, Stainmaster. I see you haven't lost all of your talents," said the Wolf of Shampoo, Saitou Hajime, former member of the Scrubbygumi.   
  
"Saitou, what are -you- doing here?"  
  
"Well, our town is being plagued by a laundry bandit. Delving into some extracurricular activities, are you, Stainmaster?" Saitou asked as he reached into his pocket and took out a cigarette.  
  
"Kenshin would never do anything like that, you dirty cop!" Kaoru exclaimed, balling her hands into fists.  
  
"Dirty, am I? I've seen the way you look at him, Kamiya. It would take all the soap in Osaka to scrub your mind clean," Saitou replied calmly, lighting his cigarette.  
  
"Hey! You watch what you say to her, you sadistic freak," Sano said, pulling himself up to his full height, "And you can't smoke here. It sticks to fabric. Kenshin will have to do the laundry again."  
  
Saitou exhaled a wisp of smoke, "What are you going to do about it, eh ahou?"  
  
"What? You wanna go? Right now? Lets go. I'm ready for ya!" Sano yelled as he waved his toothbrush around in the air wildly.   
  
"Maa, maa, calm down now," Kenshin said, placing his hand on Sano's wrist, "I'm not stealing the laundry, Saitou. Besides, sessha gave up bleaching, he did."  
  
"Aa, but it isn't the bleaching that has the cops worried."  
  
"Oh?" Kenshin asked, putting his hand on his trusty scrubbing-brush.  
  
"Some of the whites have been..." Saitou glanced at Kaoru, momentarilly wondering if they should discuss this elsewhere, "...washed with the colors."  
  
The collective gasp that rose from the Kenshin-gumi could have sucked all of the air out of the dojo.   
  
"Well," Kenshin whispered, "We can't let our friends, or loved ones, fall victim to this calamity. Kaoru, Sanosuke, Yahiko...we must go and SAVE THE LAUNDRY OF JAPAN from this INSANE MADMAN!"  
  
There was a round of, "Hai", "Right", and "Where's my loofah?", and then the Kenshin-gumi...and the rogue Wolf of Shampoo...set out to find the laundry bandit. After they had a filling and nutritious lunch and cleaned all the dishes with environmentally friendly soap that moisturized their hands while they soaked, of course.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
More to come if I get bored. 


	2. Chapter 2: The Trap

~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Chapter 2: The Trap ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Why do -I- have to dress as a peasant woman?" Kaoru whined.  
  
"Because, you're the only one smart enough to pull this off, Kaoru-dono," Kenshin whisperered sweetly, causing the dojo's mistress to blush.  
  
"Don't you mean she's the ugliest girl we know?" Yahiko asked, snickering   
  
Kaoru threatened Yahiko by holding out a peasant's apron. "Do you want to wear the dress, Yahiko? No. I didn't think so."  
  
"At least the boy has an excuse for being weak," Saitou drawled, "Maybe you should wear the apron, Sagara. You're at least as womanly as the Stainmaster, plus, no one knows who the hell you are."  
  
"Why I oughta..."  
  
"Maa, maa. This is no time for petty fights, it isn't," Kenshin declared. Kaoru nodded and slipped on the apron. "Does everyone remember the plan? We'll be using Tae's friend's house as a cover. Kaoru, you'll put out the laundry to dry, and then we'll wait for the bandit, we will."  
  
"Alright Kenshin," Kaoru replied, smiling sweetly. As she began to hang up the large basket of laundry, everyone else hid in the courtyard. For quite a while, nothing happened. But then, suddenly, a thin man in a red coat with bright blonde hair like a broom jumped the gate and ran towards the clothesline at top speed.  
  
Everyone jumped out from their hiding places, producing their various cleaning implements.  
  
"State your business!" Saitou demanded.  
  
Surprised, the young man turned to face his opponents. "Ah. You must be the great Stainmaster of the Woolite Era. I'd recognize the pink gi of atonement anywhere!"  
  
"Its not PINK!" Kenshin whined, "Its Fu..."  
  
"Fucking ugly, yeah, I know." The bandit stood in front of the clothesline protectively. "I'm Chou. And I claim this laundry in the name of Shishio Makoto."  
  
Kenshin's grip tightened on his scrubbing-brush as both he and Saitou murmured the name. "Shishio..."  
  
"Who is Shishio, Kenshin?" Yahiko asked, brandishing his feather duster menacingly.   
  
"After Kenshin left, Shishio became the head Stainmaster for the Ishin Sudsi," Saitou explained. "He cleaned everything, using the most toxic chemicals at his disposal. But, I thought, that after the Woolite Era, he was drowned by his own men in a vat of blue dye."  
  
"You're wrong!" Chou exclaimed, "He survived, though now his skin is marred and dyed a horrible blue. Like the blue fires of HELL!"  
  
Sano scratched his head, "Fire isn't generally blue, you idiot."  
  
"Like the terrible blue of the sky!" Chou tried again.  
  
"The sky isn't really all that scary," Yahiko proclaimed. "Its actually nice and has all those fluffy clouds and stuff."  
  
"Are you saying Shishio looks like a smurf?" Saitou asked.  
  
"No! Like the blue of a fierce and stormy ocean! A tsunami!" Chou pleaded.  
  
"I guess that works," Kaoru said, as everyone shrugged.  
  
"Anyway, I, Chou, claim this laundry in the name of Shishio, and his master plan! You should join us, Stainmaster. We have a really good plan!"  
  
Kenshin furrowed his brow and looked to his friends and then back to Chou, "Well, what is it, then, if sessha may ask?"  
  
Chou shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Uhhhh. Well, I am not exactly sure, but I think it involves some evil laughter towards the end."  
  
"Look," Saitou growled, growing impatient, "You can't have this laundry. A whelp like you wouldn't even know his detergent from his scotchguard."  
  
"That's where you are wrong, cop," Chou said, his one good eye growing wide. "I am known throughout the land as Sawagejou Chou of the thousand Sponges!" Upon this declaration, Chou opened his long haori to reveal a good dozen different sponges. "And I will clean this laundry."  
  
"Sessha can't let you do that," Kenshin declared, brandishing his scrubbing-brush. "It isn't yours to clean."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Kenshin and Chou faced each other, both sopping wet from their battle over the laundry. A dozen or so limp sponges lay on the ground, leaking soapy water into the courtyard.  
  
Chou pulled himself up to his full height once more. "You have not defeated me yet, Stainmaster. I have one more sponge left. The most effective."  
  
"Sessha thinks you should give up now, Chou, before someone gets hurt, you should." "Fuck that!" And with this exclaimation, Chou pulled out his last, and most favorite sponge.   
  
"MY GOD!" Kaoru exclaimed, "That is STEEL WOOL! If he uses that, the laundry will most definitely be ruined! Kenshin...oh...Kenshin..."  
  
Sano grabbed the sobbing woman by her shoulders as Kenshin peered at his opponent. For a tense moment, the courtyard was silent. Then, with a resounding yell, Kenshin grabbed one of the towels hanging on the clothesline and jumped into the air,"  
  
"AJAX SUPERSCRUBBER RYU....STATIC CLING!"  
  
A deafening *pop* resounded through the yard as Kenshin landed in front of Chou. Chou peered murderously at Kenshin for a moment, before he let out a loud scream and dropped into the dirt. The smell of burning hair wafted through the courtyard.  
  
"Cripes, Kenshin," Yahiko said in awe, "What did you do?"  
  
"He used the static electricity from that towel to deliver a shock. The steel wool served as a conductor," Saitou explained.  
  
Chou tried to sit up, smoke coming out of his now-burning hair. "My hair! My beautiful hair! My hands! Ahhh the terrible burning...like fire!"  
  
Sano rolled his eyes, "And is the fire -blue-?"  
  
"Talk, Chou," the former captain of the Scrubbygumi ordered, "Talk now! Why is Shishio doing all this bleaching?"  
  
A young man no one had noticed before stepped out of the shadows and smiled brilliantly, effortlessly. "I can answer that. Because weak colors fade, and strong colors survive!" The young man bowed deeply and continued, "Let me introduce myself. I am Seta Soujiro, known as the Ten-Clean. And I am here to escort you to Shishio."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Thank you to all the reviewers of this overly silly story, especially Shihali for suggesting Shishio's motto. In the next chapter...the Kenshingumi goes to the laundrymat to face the evil forces of Shishio! 


	3. Chapter 3: TenClean Tour

Author Note - This story is so incredibly...bad. I can't believe anyone reads it.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Chapter 3 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Deep in the heart of Kyoto, five people were standing on the porch of the Aoiya looking up at the sky.  
  
"What in the hell is that, Misao?" Kuro asked, pointing at a giant light that had been focused on a cloud.  
  
"Call me Okashira!" Misao exclaimed, beaming brightly. Oh, it was so very clever what she had done. So very, very clever. "And -that- is the NINJA SIGNAL!"  
  
"Why does it look like a naked silhouette of Jiya?" Omasu asked, looking more disgusted than worried.  
  
Misao dug her toes into the ground and pursed her lips. It was indeed clever, but she should have never left the old man in charge of setting it up. "Nevermind that. Someone is in trouble. To the Ninjamobile!"  
  
The other four Oniwabanshuu just scratched their heads. "The what?"  
  
"Arrrrgh!" Misao exclaimed, grabbing her kunai. "The hot air balloon that I bought off the black market. Duh!"  
  
"Ooohhh, Misao," Okon warned, "You shouldn't buy things off the black market. You know that."  
  
"Fine. Just pretend I bought it off of MeijiBay," Misao replied, crossing the courtyard to climb into the cabin of the hot air balloon. "Come on guys! We've got to get to Tokyo right away."  
  
"Hell no." "No way." "Not a chance." "Nuh-uh."  
  
"Fine. Then I'll go alone," she replied, "Some ninjas you are."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Back in Tokyo, our friends were regarding the smiling Ten-Clean with extreme caution.  
  
"Why should we go with you to meet this Shishio fellow, hm? It's probably a trap!" Yahiko exclaimed, pointing at the young man in a most rudely accusatory manner.   
  
"Well, yes, it is most definitely a trap," Soujiro replied, putting his hands behind his head as he laughed. "I'm to take you to our secret hideout, known as The Laundrymat. Then, if you can defeat all of Shishio's henchmen, one by one, including myself, you can ask of Shishio whatever you wish."  
  
All of the Kenshingumi looked at each other thoughtfully.  
  
"I'm going to ask him for a new heart," Kenshin said.  
  
"I'm going to ask him for courage," Yahiko added.  
  
"I'm going to ask him for a brain," Sano exclaimed.  
  
"I'm going to ask him for some sparkly ruby red slippers," Kaoru chirped.  
  
(Somewhere, far across the city, Shishio Makoto looked into his crystal ball and cackled, "I'll get you, my pretties, you and your little Rurouni too." Then he turned and told Yumi to bring in the flying monkeys. Finding none, she handed him Henya and asked, "Will this do?")  
  
"That -isn't- what he meant," Saitou exclaimed, "He meant we can find out what -exactly- Shishio wants with all the laundry, and why he is doing so much bleaching, and then stop him. You people are -idiots-."  
  
"Right," Soujiro said, still smiling, "Come along, if you would."  
  
They walked along the streets of Tokyo, Soujiro in front, the Kenshingumi in the middle, and Saitou begrudgingly taking up the rear, Suddenly, Soujiro turned around and began to walk backwards. Smiling as widely as the Cheshire Cat doing bong hits, he motioned off to the side.  
  
"If you look to the left, you'll see the river. Plenty of good fishing here in this river. Beware the catfish, though. And now, if you look to the right, you'll see the Akabeko..."  
  
"Ano, Seta-san, might I ask...what exactly...you are doing?" Kenshin remarked, fairly timidly, as if worried for the boy's sanity.  
  
"Sorry, sorry," The Ten-Clean replied, "Its a habit. Being the top henchman for a mad Stainmaster pays well, but you don't get medical or dental. So, I took this part time job. I'm the Terror of Tokyo Tour Guide."  
  
"So..." Kaoru whispered to Kenshin, "Is -that- why he smiles all the time?"  
  
"Scary," was Yahiko's only comment.  
  
"Now," Soujiro continued, "If you look to your right once again, you'll see Tokyo's most famous sideshow attraction, The Half-Doctor-Lady-Half-Fox."  
  
Sano shrugged and thrust his hands into his pockets. It was going to be a very long day.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Somewhere in the sky above Japan, Makimachi Misao was drawing up plans for wombat repellent. You never knew when you were going to need to repel wombats. As a ninja, she always had to be prepared. Prepared for wombats. Prepared for evil. Prepared for evil wombats!  
  
Misao liked the sound of that. So, she stood up in the hot air balloon and shook her fist at the landscape, "I'm prepared. Do you hear me? I'm prepared to do battle with EVIL!"  
  
Right then, a pigeon flew directly into Misao's forehead with a loud -smack-, knocking her out.  
  
Her last conscious thought was: "I should draw up plans for pigeon repellent."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
With a giant flourish, the Ten-Clean finished off his tour of Tokyo with a bow, "And now we have arrrived at our destination, the legendary Laundrymat!"  
  
There was a polite round of ooohs and ahhhs as Soujiro looked around confusedly.   
  
"Ano, where's Yumi-san?" he asked nobody in particular. Suddenly, a black-clad foot soldier ran out of nowhere and handed the smiling Ten-Clean a piece of paper. Holding it up to his face, he read silently, "Gone to find the flying monkeys. Please proceed without me. Yumi."  
  
The Kenshingumi all crowded around Soujiro for a chance to read the note, Yahiko hopping slightly.   
  
"So, who is this 'Yummy' and when are we going to meet -her-?" Sano asked, his boredom receeding quickly at the prospect of tasty women. "I call dibs on doing laundry with the woman!"  
  
Saitou glowered at the young streetfighter, "Well, of course we'll pair you up with the -woman-, Sagara. Its the only one you have any possibility of beating. No offense, Kamiya."  
  
Kaoru raised her bokken, but then decided she was more interested in what Soujiro was doing. And what he was doing was rooting around in his gi. Quickly enough, he produced a handpuppet wearing a red kimono and sporting green lips.   
  
"Welcome to the Laundrymat! My name is Yumi!" Soujiro made the puppet say.   
  
"Yumi-san, you made it!" Soujiro said, smiling at the puppet.  
  
"Yes, boy, yes I did." Soujiro said back to himself as he moved the puppet around. The Yumi puppet then 'sat up straight' and turned it's cloth head to 'look' at the Kenshingumi. "Well, shall we begin?"  
  
"There is something -seriously- wrong with that boy," Sano observed.  
  
"Oh, I don't know," Kaoru added, "It could be worse. He could be an assassin or something."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In the Next Chapter: Into the laundrymat we journey. And what of Misao? Where does she get all those wonderful ninja toys? 


	4. Chapter 4: A Great Scythe

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Chapter 4 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Waking up, the first thought on Misao's mind was: "Stupid pigeon." The second thought, however, was of her Aoshi-sama. He and the other Oniwabanshuu had left so long ago, leaving her alone. They had left to become Cleaners.  
  
No, not the laundry sort of cleaners. The deadly sort of Cleaners. The type of Cleaners who get hired by scrawny little men who want to knock off their enemies. The sort of Cleaners that you call when you need something gruesome done.  
  
Of course, they also knew how to get blood out of carpets.   
  
Aoshi-sama and the other Oniwabanshuu knew everything, Misao was convinced. Except, perhaps, how much she missed them.  
  
Sighing, and sitting down in the basket of the hot air-balloon, Misao rummaged around in her bags for a small book. "Aha! Here it is," Misao exclaimed, pulling the book out and setting it on her lap. She'd never let Aoshi-sama know she had such a book. He'd be so embarrassed. Frankly, she'd be embarrassed for him to know.   
  
Opening it up to her bookmark, Misao began to read. "Ninjas For Dummies. Chapter 26. Flying Your Black Market Hot Air Balloon."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Currently, back at the Laundrymat, Soujiro was having the Yumi puppet sing, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts". Every time the chorus came around, the puppet would "look" at Kaoru's chest and shake its head in disappointment.  
  
The rest of the Kenshingumi, however, were preparing their various implements. Cleaning supplies. Scrubby brushes. Feather dusters. Giant toothbrush. Washboards. Clothespins. And something that Kenshin pulled out of his gi which looked remarkably like a bottle of Pooh Bear bath bubbles.  
  
"I'll go first," Kaoru said, hefting her rainbow-colored duster over her shoulder. "Because I'm a lady, and ladies always go first."  
  
"That'll be good," Saitou replied as Kenshin clamped his hand over Yahiko's mouth, "At least for a little while, we won't have to listen to you moan 'Kenshin' over and over."  
  
Sanosuke, on the other hand, was quietly stroking the bristles of his giant toothbrush and murmuring sweet nothings to it. "Don't you worry, Sugarplums. Me and you. Me and you, babe. No one can beat Sagara and his Sugarplums. No one."  
  
Yahiko blinked, "You call it 'Sugarplums'? What kind of name is that? My duster is named..."  
  
"No one cares, Yahiko-chan. No one cares."  
  
Yahiko looked around, but could not discern who had said this derogatory statement about his beloved, "Lightning And Fear Feathers". But, if he ever found out, they would pay. Oh yes, they would pay. In blood. Or, perhaps, loofahs.  
  
Soujiro did a jig and switched to Irish drinking songs.  
  
"He calls it Sugarplums because he is substituting his toothbrush for a woman. How disgusting."  
  
"Shut UP, Saitou. At least I've seen a woman undressed."  
  
"I'll have you know, I'm married, ahou."  
  
"TO A WOMAN???"  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know."  
  
"Actually, yes, I would. Does she have eyeballs?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"She's one of the slow kids, isn't she?"  
  
"No."  
  
"It must have been a dare, then."  
  
Saitou was remarkably silent as he lit another cigarette.   
  
"It was a DARE! Your wife married you on a DARE? That's -priceless-." Sanosuke grinned like...well...like Soujiro on laughing gas.  
  
"Can't you keep your mind on the task at hand, ahou?" Saitou asked, pulling out his scrubby brush and checking it for evil. Loose bristles -were- evil, in Saitou's opinion. Sanosuke, instinctually, took a step backwards. The Scrubbygumi. They cleaned everything during the Woolite Era. The toughest stains. Grime and grease. Nothing was beyond them. They even, Sanosuke had heard, knew how to get grass stains out of silk.  
  
"We're ready, that we are," Kenshin said to Soujiro.  
  
"Wonderful."  
  
Soujiro stepped back and unlocked the massive wooden doors.  
  
Inside, in a small courtyard, stood an interesting sight.  
  
No, a terrifying and frightening sight.  
  
Kenshin covered Yahiko's eyes.  
  
Kaoru covered Kenshin's eyes.  
  
Sanosuke covered Kaoru's eyes.  
  
And Saitou dropped his cigarette.  
  
"Hiiiii!! My name's Kamatari! What's yours?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Somewhere near Tokyo, Makimachi Misao was having a hissy fit. She'd thrown overboard not only her instruction book, but her tea set, a stowaway Jiya, five pounds of "Ninja Lube" (of which Misao wasn't certain the purpose, but was pretty certain belonged to Jiya), a marmoset, Rhode Island, a holiday gift basket of shuriken, the Ten Commandments, a time-traveling DeLorean, some guy named Yukishiro Enishi who kept babbling about his sister, and a partridge in a pear tree.  
  
"I should have kept the pear tree. I'm a bit hungry," Misao sighed. She'd been all through that book. There was absolutely -no- way to get down.   
  
Aoshi-sama would be -so- disappointed. What kind of ninja can't even control a hot air balloon?  
  
Misao leaned against the side of the hot air balloon, looking down into the city of Tokyo sadly.  
  
Maybe she'd end up somewhere in China.   
  
Just then, Misao heard the most obnoxious, piercing noise ever.   
  
"SCREE!" "SCREEEE!" "SCREESCREESCREE!"  
  
Misao looked up towards the horizon. She squinted. "What in the hell?"  
  
Misao Makimachi was on a collision course with a flock of flying monkeys.  
  
Our adept and formidable ninja pulled the first thing she could think of from her "Ninja Utility Belt(tm)": the newly formulated "Wombat Repellant".  
  
How was she to know that Wombat Repellant only makes Flying Monkeys angry?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Kamatari-san," Kenshin said, slowly prying Kaoru's hand from his eyes, "Sessha would like to inform you that you are nearly naked, that you are."  
  
"Wow," Soujiro said, "But, he's wearing more than he usually does."  
  
The general exclamation arose of: "WHAT??"  
  
"This," Soujiro said with a flourish of the Yumi puppet, "Is Kamatari Honjo, master of the grand scythe."  
  
Kaoru peeked over Sanosuke's hand. "I don't see a scythe."  
  
"Oh, honey," Kamatari cooed, "I did some tucking. Can't let my big bits dangle during such an important showdown, ne?"  
  
"Uh...."  
  
As the Kenshingumi (and Saitou) filed into the courtyard, they all stood agape at the most interesting sight. Kamatari Honjo, lean and curvy, stood with his hands on his nearly naked hips. He wore only a pair of black panties (with cute lace fringe, of course), a well-stuffed black corset, and some black thigh-high leather boots.  
  
"That man has less hair on his body than Tokio," Saitou mumbled, mildly dumbfounded.  
  
"Ew, Saitou. Just -ew-," Kaoru replied.  
  
Kamatari struck a pose, and whipped around, pointing to two baskets laying in the courtyard. "So. This is our combat. One basket apiece of lingerie. The first one to have them cleaned and dried wins. The loser has to stay behind and clean that mountain of the Juppon Gatana's underwear over there."  
  
Kaoru stepped forward. "Agreed. The Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, the style that cleans gently, is up to any task."  
  
"Phew. I'm glad -I- didn't agree to go first," Yahiko mumbled.  
  
Kamatari and Kaoru squared off, each taking one basket of lingerie. The battle started slow, with each soaking their delicates in a mild detergent.   
  
"Remember Kaoru-dono, you can't wring that lingerie! It might tear!" Kenshin said, cheering from the sidelines.  
  
Kaoru nodded as a bead of sweat formed on her temple. Lingerie was hard work, and especially delicate. One wrong move and something might tear.   
  
"Ha!" Kaoru exclaimed, jumping up, "I have you now. I shall use the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu's press technique to dry these underthings!" Kaoru began to take the various dainties and press them between her hands to squeeze out the water.  
  
Kamitari just chuckled. "You think so, do you? Well, Kamatari of the great scythe is not so easily defeated. And when I do defeat you, Shishio-sama will finally allow me to wash his boxers!" Kamitari reached behind his back and produced a long rope.  
  
"Where was he keeping that, Sano?" Yahiko asked.  
  
"You don't want to know, kid. You just don't want to know."  
  
With a wide grin, Kamitari slid several pieces of the lingerie onto the rope. "This ancient technique will dry lingerie faster than ANYTHING!" As the clothesline began to spin wildly in the air above Kamatari's head, Kaoru gasped.  
  
Her lingerie would never dry in time.  
  
"Oh no!"  
  
"Looks bad for the tanuki," Saitou grumbled.  
  
Kaoru pressed harder and faster than she had ever pressed before, but there was no way...there was just -no- way.  
  
Just then, a piercing noise split the air.   
  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
A giant cloud of dust appeared where the crossdresser had been standing. When it cleared, everyone in the courtyard was surprised to find...a young woman in a strange outfit sitting on top of the prone form of Kamatari.  
  
"Damn flying monkeys!" Misao exclaimed, hopping up to dust herself off. Scratching her head, Misao looked around the courtyard, finally discovering what had broken her fall. "Aha! It appears I have landed on a crossdresser." That Misao was a clever one. "For your diligence in this matter, Freako-chan, the Oniwabanshuu thanks you!"  
  
Kaoru, stumped, looked from Kamatari, to the Kenshingumi, and back to Misao. "Who are you?"  
  
Misao opened her mouth, but then she remembered the first rule of being a ninja: Don't tell anyone you're a ninja. So, after a moment, Misao replied, "I'm a Cleaner! Yup! Head of the Oniwabanshuu Cleaners of Kyoto. And I am here....to fight EVIL!"  
  
"That's -wonderful-," Kaoru replied, "We're all cleaners, too. And we're on a mission to defeat a bad guy named Shishio who is harassing the residents of Tokyo. Maybe you could help us!"  
  
"Of course I can," Misao replied, putting her hands on her hips, "I'm -powerful-."  
  
As introductions went all around, Soujiro stepped over to the non-moving form of Kamatari and poked him in the head with the Yumi-puppet.  
  
"Kamatari-san? Kamatari-san? All of the lingerie on your clothesline is laying in the dirt. You might want to pick it up."  
  
Kamatari groaned.  
  
"Leave me alone, Soujiro," the crossdresser replied, "My scythe is broken."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In Our Next Terrifyingly Stupid Episode: Kamatari has been defeated. But, who is next? Will Misao find Aoshi-sama? Will Shishio stop sending Yumi on stupid errands? Who knows?  
  
And thank you to everyone who reviewed. I'm glad you like my incredibly awful story. There'll me much more to come, I assure you, right after I have my lobotomy! 


	5. Chapter 5: Wicked Tacos

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Chapter 5 ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
A man sits, reclining luxuriously, on a pile of pillows, smoking his pipe. He is bandaged from head to toe, wrapped in gauze which obscures his skin to the world. Across the bridge of his nose, he wears a Kermit the Frog Band-Aid. Kermit understands. Kermit knows. It's not easy being Kermit. It's not easy being green.  
  
Nor is it easy being Shishio. No, it is definitely not easy...being blue.  
  
"Houji!"  
  
"Yes, your grand cerulean-ness?"  
  
Shishio Makoto scowled slightly. 'Note to self, boil Houji in oil. Baby oil. Or maybe olive oil. What sort of oil is best for boiling annoying lackeys?'  
  
"Houji, I want you to do some research for me. Find out the average temperatures at which various oils boil."  
  
"Right away, your Most Magnificent Cyan-itude. Anything else which you wish me to accomplish?"  
  
Shishio stroked his bandaged chin in thought. "Yes, please fulfill your duty as an Agent of This Story's Exposition, and let us know what is going on."  
  
"Of course. The Stainmaster and his friends have no entered the Laundrymat. Apparently, they defeated Kamatari through the clever use of ninjas and gravity. They are now being led, by Soujiro, towards Henya's Room."  
  
Shishio nodded as his arm wrapped possessively around Yumi's waist. "You are dismissed, Houji."  
  
"Thank you, sir."  
  
"Oh, and Houji?"  
  
"Yes, oh sky-colored Czar of Cleaning?"  
  
"I demand tacos. Chicken tacos. But -no- sour cream."  
  
"Yes sir, right away sir."  
  
As Houji skittered away, Yumi's green lips left smooch marks all over Shishio's shoulder bandages. Shishio exhaled thick rings of smoke and grinned wickedly at his beloved. "My life, Yumi, is like a taco which bursts at the seams with evil. All of these others are mere lettuce to be picked off and cast aside. But, you, you are my cheese."  
  
"Oh Shishio-sama," Yumi replied, swooning mildly. "I am honored to be the cheese on your taco of evil."  
  
"And now, my thick-hipped cheddar, my rotund wheel of gouda, I have a job for you, as well."  
  
Yumi's lips pursed in concentrated worry. "No more flying monkeys, I hope?"  
  
"No, no. The Stainmaster's progress is....disturbing. I have a plan which will surely hinder his progress. Fill one of the rooms with poppies. Yes, -poppies-. Poppies will put them to sleep. Sleeeeep. Then we can sneak in and steak all of their cleaning equipment."  
  
"I'll...uh...see what I can do," Yumi murmured, prying herself away from the clutches of the Legendary Sanitizer-Sans-Sanity, "But, I don't think poppies are in season, my beloved."  
  
"Ah, then, my dearest. you shall just have to improvise. Such a brilliant plan, why didn't I think of it before?"  
  
Yumi chuckled as she headed towards the door. Tossing Shishio one last look over her shoulder, she replied, "Because you were too busy thinking of ways to kill Houji?"  
  
"You know me too well, my delicate parmesan. Far too well, indeed."  
  
'Note to self,' Shishio appended as Yumi disappeared into the hallway, 'May need to eventually boil Yumi in oil.'  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In a campsite, somewhere on the outskirts of Tokyo, Shinomori Aoshi attempted, once again, to dye his favorite trenchcoat. And, once again, he failed. This caused the lanky and enigmatic former leader of the Oniwabanshuu to shake his fist at the sky and exclaim:  
  
"Damn you, Stainmaster! I shall have my day. I shall find you, and when I do, I shall pluck the Dye of the Strongest from your ridiculous pink gi, and avenge the deaths of my comrades..."  
  
(It is time for Audience Participation. Because, who would those Comrades be but...)  
  
'Hyottoko....Beshimi....Shikijou...Hannya....'  
  
Aoshi shook his fist at the sky several more times, just for good measure.   
  
And, being that he was looking up, Aoshi realized that a very large object was streaming through the atmosphere, on a collision course with the ninja's very angst-ridden face.  
  
Aoshi deftly took one step to the left, for he was not an oblivious crossdresser with a penchant for dominatrix outfits, and narrowly avoided being beaned on the head with Yukishiro Tomoe's psychotic little brother.  
  
"Neeeeeeeesan," the white-haired man moaned, rolling around on the ground in intense pain, "Neeeeeeesan, I have a boo-boo. Come kiss-it-better."  
  
Aoshi peered at the man, refusing even to dignify the situation with an upturned eyebrow, "Who, exactly, are you?"  
  
As Enishi stood up and dusted himself off, his eyes grew wide. "Neesan, is that really -you-? After all these years, you have come back to me!"  
  
"I am not your sister." Aoshi felt something clomp on to his dangerously sexy ninja-legs. "Are you....are you humping my leg?"  
  
"NEEEESAN, I am so happy to -see- you," Enishi cried. "I can't believe I found you, -here-. Here, of all places. After accidentally falling asleep on the hot-air balloon I sold to that retarded half-wit, and then being pushed -out- of that same balloon and falling...falling... Falling into the woods, only to find -you- here. Oh, it must be Fate. Don't you think it is Fate, Tomoe?"  
  
"Please stop talking. You're giving me a headache."  
  
Enishi put his fingers to his lips, nodding in silence as his beloved "sister" extricated herself from his grasp. The giant smile on Enishi's face vanished as the annoyed ninja stared at him, trying to make sense of the situation.  
  
"Oh, neesan, you still aren't smiling, are you? Are you still angry about what happened in Oshu?"  
  
"I've never been to Oshu," Aoshi replied, trying to re-shake a clingy Enishi off of his arm. Man. What a bizarre incestuous freak. Of course, he, Shinomori Aoshi, had no time for sisters, or for romance. Oh no, he needed to avenge the deaths of his very best friends. You know...his very best friends who died not so long ago...  
  
'John....Paul...George...and Ringo...'  
  
Enishi stomped his foot impatiently. "Of course you have been to Oshu.. Remember? It was where you lived with the Hitokiri Stainmaster. Right before...right before...you know...the -accident-."  
  
"The -Stainmaster?" Aoshi grabbed Enishi by his collar and shook him vigorously. "What do you know about the Hitokiri Stainmaster??"  
  
It hadn't been long ago at all. No, it seemed almost like yesterday that the four Oniwabanshuu had been hired to protect the regal ladies of Edo castle. And they would have. Oh yes, they would have, if it hadn't been for that damned Stainmaster. The Stainmaster somehow used time-released bleach on their uniforms, causing the normally black-clad ninjas to become white-clad ninjas.  
  
And once they could easily be seen, the infamous Koopa Troops of the Choshuu region were able to avoid the Oniwabanshuu and abduct the Shogun's daughter.  
  
Damn them. Damn them!!! His favorite black trenchcoat, now forever whitened by that sinister bleach, served as a reminder of that fateful day. But, thanks to a tip given to the Oniwabanshuu by a man named "Luigi", they were able to find out where the Shogun's daughter was being held.  
  
But, how were they to know it was an elaborate trap, involving a maze-ridden castle filled with man-eating plants, vicious rabid ducks, pipes that led to secret rooms, strange bricks with question marks on them, and bombs that walked around? HOW WERE THEY TO KNOW? Except, you know, for that ominous music that seemed to follow them around everywhere.  
  
Their worst mistake was when they split up. Only later did Aoshi find the beaten bodies of his friends. He held Hannya in his arms as the man breathed his last, his final whispered words echoing in Aoshi's ears...  
  
"I'm sorry, Aoshi....but...the princess...is in another castle."  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
Back in the real world, Enishi slapped Shinomori Aoshi out of his flashback. "Neesan. I'm sorry, but you were screaming, and nothing else worked."  
  
"Tell me, tell me what you know of the Hitokiri Stainmaster. Tell me -now-, you crazed sister-humper, you incestual irritant, you familial fornicator..."  
  
"Well, last thing I heard, he was in Tokyo, looking to settle a score with Shishio Makoto. Say, are you going to go settle your score, too, neesan?"  
  
Aoshi said nothing to this. He merely pushed Enishi down into the dirt, turned on his heel, and started down the road towards Tokyo. Yes. The Hitokiri Stainmaster. Soon. Very soon Aoshi would have not only his revenge, but the dye which would fix his trenchcoat. The Strongest Dye in all of Japan.  
  
'Do not worry, my friends. I will redeem us. I have thrown everything away for this moment. For...you...my friends...  
  
'Larry....Curly....Moe....and Shemp...'  
  
Back at Aoshi's camp, Yukishiro Enishi adjusted his tiny sunglasses and plopped down in front of the fire. The white-haired man pulled a skewer out of the fire, only to find that Shinomori had abandoned his dinner of Tacos-On-A-Stick. With a shrug, Enishi bit into a taco (savoring the delicious evilness of said taco) with a chuckle as he looked down the path Shinomori had taken.  
  
"Damn. That was -way- too easy. Well, I hope you have fun dealing with the angsty ninja, Stainmaster. So long Aoshi, and thanks for all the fish tacos."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Back at the Laundrymat, Soujiro and the Yumi puppet were leading the Kenshingumi...and Saitou...and Misao....down the hall. Suddenly, black-clad foot soldiers ran in from -nowhere- an erected several "Work in Progress" and "Detour" signs.  
  
"Detour? What is the meaning of this, Soujiro?" Sano asked.  
  
The ever-cheerful TenClean leaned his ear down to the Yumi puppet's "mouth" and listened close to...well...to nothing, since puppets can't really talk.  
  
"Yumi says that we have to go on a bit of a detour because Fuji-san had to visit the 'Little Giants Room'. Now the whole Eastern Wing is unfit for human occupation. Unless, of course, any of you might have brought along your biohazard suits?"  
  
Since no one -had-, the entire contingent consented to take the detour.  
  
Very quickly, they came to a door labeled, "More Blatant Wizard of Oz References".  
  
But, thankfully, everyone was too interested in the fact that Soujiro had the Yumi puppet singing "I Feel Pretty" to care.  
  
(Elsewhere in the Laundrymat, Yumi returned to Shishio's side. "I'm so sorry, Shishio-sama, I couldn't find any poppies. So, instead, I used -puppies-. I hope that is alright.")  
  
Kenshin, Yahiko, Kaoru, Sano, Misao, Saitou and Soujiro entered the room, only to find, as Soujiro closed the door behind them, that puppies of every size, color and breed started plopping down into the room from chutes hidden in the walls. Puppy after puppy appeared in the large room, each with giant cute round puppy eyes, and waggy-little puppy tails, and OH MY GOD, were they ever cute. Sinisterly cute. Devilishly cute. And so soft, and pettable, and you just want to pick them up and squeeze them and play with them and....  
  
Kaoru and Misao were the first to fall to the puppies' evil charms.   
  
"Oh, look, Kenshin. Puppies!" Kaoru picked one up and began to snuggle with it.  
  
Kenshin fell third, as he lifted a poor three-legged puppy up and looked at the creature.   
  
"Oro?" The ex-Stainmaster commented.  
  
"Oorrrooo?" The puppy replied.  
  
"ORO?" Kenshin asked again, in surprise.  
  
"Oroooooooooo," the puppy cooed, nuzzling against Kenshin's hand, looking to be petted.  
  
"Good Lord," Sano said, "They speak the same language." Next to be defeated by the wicked puppies was the hearty Sanosuke, who bent down to observe a puppy more closely.   
  
The puppy sniffed Sano.  
  
Sano sniffed the puppy.  
  
"Kami-sama!" Sanosuke declared, pulling the puppy to his face. "This one smells like tacos! Delicious...delicious...tacos...."  
  
Sano fell into a drooling heap on the floor.  
  
Saitou snarled. "You ahou." The Wolf of Shampoo picked up the offending taco-smelling creature and looked deep into its' eyes, trying to discern the level of Evil which might be wielded by such a beast. The puppy looked back into Saitou's eyes.  
  
Those eyes...  
  
So...soft...and round...and brown...just like...just like...Okita's.  
  
And so, the fifth, and last, to be defeated by the horrifically cute puppies was Saitou Hajime, who stood transfixed, and babbling incoherently, to what he believed to be the reincarnation of his friend from the Scrubbygumi days.  
  
"What the hell is going -on- here?" Yahiko yelled, thrashing about wildly as he kicked puppies out of the way. "Guys? Hello? Anyone? We've got EVIL to clean? Remember?"  
  
Even Soujiro seemed to be stunned, as he played Yumi-puppet-tug-of-war with one of the puppies.  
  
"ARGH! This is -awful-," Yahiko declared. He had to think. How could you get rid of a horde of puppies? And quick!? Aha! There was -one- way....but, would it work?  
  
Yahiko positioned himself in the middle of the room, cleared his throat, and screamed, "BATH TIME!"  
  
The puppies scattered, disappearing almost as quickly as they arrived. With the wicked cuteness now gone, our heroes returned to their senses.  
  
"Lets....uh...just not talk about that, alright?" Sano murmured.  
  
"Yeah, sessha thinks that would be best, that it would," Kenshin replied.  
  
As everyone headed for the door, Saitou lit a cigarette and adjusted his police shirt. A lumpy object inside his shirt let out a tiny cough.   
  
"Sssh, Okita. Stay quiet, or I can't rescue you."  
  
Saitou caught up with the rest of the TenClean's Terrible Tour Group, just as they approached the next room.   
  
The formidable door was labeled: "Henya's Habenero Hut and Hideout."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In Our Next Chapter: Oh no! Aoshi has a score to settle, and it doesn't look like he'll be using soap. The Laundrymat is out of tacos, but thankfully, also out of oil. And who will fight this "Henya"?  
  
Thanks again for all of your reviews. I'm so glad you are able to even -follow- this story, not to mention that you -like- the story. Is this story -going- somewhere? Oh god, even I don't know. I think my brains are being consumed by zombie puppies.  
  
AND WHY DO I SMELL LIKE A TACO? 


	6. Chapter 6: Henya's Habanero Hut

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Six: Henya's Habanero Hut  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Meester TenClean, velcome to Henya's Habanero Hut! Ve are alvays quite honored to hhhhhhhhave you."  
  
Soujiro bowed to the funny looking man in the paper hat. However, it was not the paper hat which made him look amusing. No. The amusing part came from the multicolor paper wings which were affixed to the man's back, and the feathers glued all over his body.  
  
"What's with the foreign chicken?" Sano asked.  
  
Soujiro, still holding a puppy-drool covered Yumi puppet said, "Henya, I would like you to meet..."  
  
Henya held up one hand in protest, "Henya uses only zee real, freshest, most succulent meat in all zee world. Okay, maybe sometimes Henya uses zee cow eyeballs, or zee chicken beak, or zee monkey toes. Nonezeeless, you will like Henya's meat very mucho mucho!"  
  
"No, no," Soujiro protested, shaking his head as violently as the Yumi-puppet's, slinging errant dog drool all over a nearby Yahiko, "I meant that I would like to introduce you to these people."  
  
"Who are zay? New customers?"  
  
"No. See... Well..." Soujiro shifted his weight, "They've come about the laundry."  
  
"Ahhh. Zee laundry." A wicked smile crossed the little man's grease-covered mouth, "Would you like fries with that?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"In France, my dear Yumi, my succulent Velveeta," Shishio said, pulling his lover close, "They call it a Royale with Cheese."  
  
"Really?" Yumi asked, attempting to nibble on Shishio's ear, but ending up with the nasty taste of bandages in her mouth, "You know so much, my beloved."  
  
"Ah. I learned it from Henya. Such a useful little man, he is."  
  
"Very much so," Yumi replied, turning her head so that she could pick bandage lint off of her tongue, "He gives the most wonderful foot massages."  
  
A tight hand curled around Yumi's arm, almost breaking the skin. Yumi let out a small "eep" as the Blue Boss of Bleaching pulled her close.  
  
"And how," Shishio asked, stroking Yumi's chin with one long bandaged finger, "Would you know that?"  
  
"Houji told me."  
  
If it weren't for his bandages, and the fact that his skin had been dyed the most unnatural color of blue, Yumi would have seen the most disturbing thing...Shishio Makoto turning as white as a ghost.  
  
For, there are some pairings in the world of which one should never conceive. And a torrid romance between Houji and Henya is among them.  
  
Houji...puckering up for a kiss...  
  
Henya...in a bubblebath....  
  
The both of them holding hands and skipping through a park...  
  
It just wasn't right.   
  
Suppressing a shudder, Shishio peered at his beloved, "Speaking of Henya, they should be arriving at the Habanero Hut right now. No man or child could possibly survive the dreaded grease traps, or the lightning peppers."  
  
"Or the Rodents Of Unusual Size," Yumi added.  
  
Shishio tapped his pipe against his lips in deep thought. "Whatever happened to that dishwasher that Henya hired?"  
  
"Missing," Yumi said, discretely popping a piece of gum to remove the lingering taste of bandages, "Since last Tuesday."  
  
"Tragic." Putting aside thoughts of the missing worker, Shishio gathered Yumi up in his arms. "My delicate fromage, my aromatic provolone, I wish to rub your toes! I wish to rub them wickedly, and maniacally, and with egotistical laughter as I contemplate our ultimate goals of conquering the world's fabric industry. For your toes are like little sausages, tiny canned weenies at the center of my platter of evil hors d'oeuvres!"  
  
Yumi sighed and shook her head sadly. "Your mother made you eat leeks as a child, didn't she?"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Makoto-chan toddled into the kitchen holding aloft his prize. "Look, Mama, I strangled the cat! Aren't you proud?"  
  
Shishio Toji, a dumpy woman with giant flabby arms like massive sausages, and whom often smelled faintly of cheese, looked down at her son with an annoyed glare in her eye. "Not now, Makoto-chan, your Mama is cleaning the house."  
  
"Can I help?" Makoto-chan asked, hopping from leg to leg, causing the dead cat (which he was holding by the tail) to bounce up and down like a frightening feline yo-yo. "I want to help, Mama!"  
  
"NO!" Shishio-san replied, ushering her son towards the door with a rolling wobble, "Cleaning is for girls. You boys only mess things up. Now, run along, run along and help your father in the leek fields."  
  
"But, Mama..." One solitary tear rolled down Shishio Makoto's face as his mother rejected his help. He only wanted her approval. He only wanted her...love.   
  
As he ran towards the leek fields, the dead cat trailing behind him like an absurd kite, Shishio Makoto couldn't have known he would never see his mother again. For, that very day, Shishio Toji died.  
  
Unable to see her feet beneath the massive expanse of her weight, Shishio-san tripped on the rope that Makoto-chan had used to strangle the cat...  
  
Fell face first into the laundry bucket...  
  
And drowned.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"This guy isn't even Japanese!" Yahiko declared, "Even I can take him."  
  
"Sessha doesn't think that's a good idea, Yahiko," Kenshin replied, "We don't have any idea..."  
  
Sanosuke stopped chewing on the end of his toothbrush long enough to say, "Aw, what's the harm in letting him try, Kenshin? Surely the laundry this guy has to offer can't be worse than the crossdressers pile of unmentionables."  
  
"Nono!" Henya spun around, gesturing wildly at his restaurant, "We do not clean zee laundry here. We clean...zee kitchen. If zee boy empteez zee grease traps without passing out, zen all my base are belong to you. If not, zee boy must stay...forever enslaved as the Habanero Hut's newest busboy! Yessss. Let zee boy do it. Yahikachu, I choose you!"  
  
Saitou, still carrying an errant puppy in his uniform, tried not to squirm as Okita-chan wagged his tail happily. "Where, exactly, are you from, you festering fowl of food fanaticism?"  
  
Henya put his hands on his hips. "I am from Australia. Can't you tell from my outraaaagggeeeoouuus accent?"  
  
"You're a loony," Yahiko replied.  
  
"Soujiro-san, Fetche la vache!" Henya yelled, beating his hands whimsically on his head.  
  
With a heavy sigh, Soujiro conferred with the Yumi-puppet. Finally, with a shrug, he had to admit, "I'm sorry, Henya, but neither Yumi-san nor I speak Australian."  
  
Meanwhile, Kaoru and Kenshin were preparing Yahiko for the upcoming battle.   
  
"Remember, Yahiko, the Kamiya Clorox Ryu is the style that cleans -gently-. GENTLY!" Kaoru grabbed Yahiko by his shoulders and shook him until he was in danger of contracting detached retinas.  
  
"I know that, busu. Quit yelling. You're breaking my concentration!"  
  
"If you get in trouble, Yahiko," Kenshin said sagely, prying Kaoru-dono's fingers from the youth's shoulders, "Just remember the old adage of the Ajax Superscrubber Ryu..."  
  
"When Hiko-sensei runs out of sake, the Apocalypse shall come?"  
  
"No, the -other- adage," Kenshin replied wryly. "When pre-treating a tough stain, it is better to dab than to scrub."  
  
"Uh..." Yahiko looked at Kenshin in utter confusion, "Right. Um. Thanks. A. Lot. Kenshin."  
  
Kenshin nodded, his look of pride and sincerity echoed by Kaoru. "Good-bye, Yahiko. Have fun storming the Habanero Hut!"  
  
"Think it'll work?" Misao asked Saitou.  
  
"It would take a miracle, Weasel. A goddamn miracle." Saitou's eyes narrowed, giving his face a serious look of intense concentration. He grabbed a nearby restaurant sign and studied it with a critical glare. "My God...I can't believe it...the terror...the horror...the unfathomable cruelty..."  
  
"What? What is it?" Misao asked as she hopped repeatedly, trying to catch a glimpse of Saitou's discovery.  
  
"This place doesn't even serve soba."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Yahiko tiptoed into the giant open-air cafe. Even at fifty paces, he could smell the foulness wafting from the grease pits, hear the buzzing of flies and insects that had come to feast on the rotting lard. Undaunted, Yahiko reached into his pocket and pulled out his trusty clothespin, fastening it on his nose.  
  
No crazy foreigner would defeat him! Not today!  
  
The kitchen was truly a mess. Roaches and mice scattered as Yahiko edged along the far wall, trying not to become coated in the filth, mold, and slime. Then he spotted them...the grease pits. Like foul cesspools from the center ring of Hell's circus, they bubbled and groaned of their own volition. There were three of them. Three vats of grossness so foul, none but a man of surpassing mental strength and indelible physical fortitude could withstand such a terrifying ordeal.  
  
Yahiko inched forward, ready for anything. Empty the grease traps? Simple! As long as he didn't get any of the sludge on him, and didn't smell the stuff, he'd probably be okay. He'd already taken care of the smelling part, so...  
  
Yahiko whipped off his gi. He could use it as a pot-holder of sorts, protecting his hands from the overflowing slime. As long as he walked carefully...  
  
Just then, from overhead, Yahiko heard a terrifying screech.   
  
Was it a bird?  
  
A plane?  
  
No, it was Henya!  
  
Yahiko stared in terror as the bizarre Australian swooped down towards the open-air kitchen. Strapped to his body were tiny red objects. With a thick-gloved hand, Henya pulled one from his belt and dropped it over Yahiko.  
  
The sprightly youth just barely hopped to the side in time to avoid the projectile. It landed at his feet. And that...that was when Yahiko saw Henya's secret weapon.  
  
A pepper.  
  
"Zey are not just any habanero peppers," Henya called from above, "Zey are special muy caliente peppers from zee heart of my homeland Australia, cross-bred with snake poison. One touch, and your skin will burn as if touched by zee sun! Try to empty zee grease pits with Henya's Habanero peppers raining down from above! You'll be begging to be my busboy within no time!"  
  
With this pronouncement, Henya began shucking peppers at Yahiko's head as quickly as possible.  
  
Things looked bleak for the heir to the Kamiya Clorox Ryu. Yahiko felt something grasp his wrist. Suddenly, everything went dark. Very dark.  
  
"What the..." Yahiko felt around in the darkness. One Wall. Two walls. Three walls. Something soft and...fleshy.  
  
"Eep," the fleshy thing said, backing away from Yahiko's hand.   
  
"Who's there?" Yahiko asked, trying to adjust his eyes to the lack of light, "Where am I?"  
  
"Sss...so sorry about dragging you in here. I just didn't...um...want you to get hit by the peppers, Yahiko-chan." a girl's voice replied.  
  
"Tsubame?"  
  
"Yes." Tsubame threw her arms around Yahiko's neck. "I'm so glad you came!"  
  
"But what are -you- doing here? And where is -here-?"  
  
Tsubame began sobbing frantically, "It's Henya-san's pantry. I came to ask him to stop sending death-threats to Tae-san. And somehow he tricked me into doing his dishes. It was so frightening, Yahiko-chan! That kitchen...that kitchen..." Tsubame shuddered.  
  
"Don't worry, Tsubame! I will save us! I will get you back to the Akebeko, I promise!"  
  
"But, Yahiko-chan," Tsubame whispered, her voice coated in doubt, "What about the Rodents of Unusual Size?"  
  
"Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't believe they even exist."  
  
With heroism in his heart, Tsubame clutching his left hand, and his trusty feather-duster in his right, Yahiko burst from the pantry. They ran through the kitchen, watching as vermin scattered, chittering in fear.  
  
All of the vermin, save one. On the shelf above the grease pits, a rat the size of a hog sat perched, snarling and ready to pounce.  
  
Yahiko and Tsubame skidded to a halt. Above them, Henya hovered, watching and waiting for the duo to meet their doom.  
  
Yahiko's eyebrows furrowed as he studied his enemy. The rat drooled rabidly, it's giant teeth gnashing in the air, its beady eyes fixed on the young pair. "Geez," Yahiko said, stepping backwards, "I didn't know Kaoru had a sister."  
  
Things looked bad for Yahiko and Tsubame. Very bad. If they didn't meet their end at the vicious claws of the R.O.U.S, they would certainly be peppered into oblivion by Henya.  
  
"Oh no, Yahiko! What should we doooo? I'm so frightened!"  
  
Just then, a vision of Kenshin popped into Yahiko's mind. His voice echoed in Yahiko's head.... "When pre-treating a tough stain, it is better to dab than to scrub."  
  
Dab.  
  
Definitely dab.  
  
"When I say go, Tsubame, run..." Thrusting Tsubame behind him, Yahiko stepped forward, his feather-duster brandished.   
  
"AJAX SUPERSCRUBBER RYU, TSUNAMI PRE-TREATMENT!"  
  
And, with that pronouncement, Yahiko lunged forward and dabbed his feather-duster at the nose of the giant rat in a gentle circular motion.  
  
For a few seconds, all was silent.   
  
And then they heard it...deep and low...a sound coming from the R.O.U.S.  
  
"ZzzZZzzztthhhhtttthhhhzzzzhhhhttthhh....aaaaahhhh...ahhh...ahhhhhh..."  
  
"Run Tsubame!" Yahiko grabbed his girlfriend's hand and fled like he was being chased by the entire Tokyo yakuza. "RUN!!!"  
  
"Aaaaahhh....aahhhhhhh.....AHCHOO!"  
  
The enormous rodent's sneeze shook the foundations of the Habanero Hut. And it shook the R.O.U.S., too, causing him to loose his balance and plunge, most tragically, into the grease pit below.  
  
The upset contents shot into the air volcanically. Several handfuls of the toxic sludge splattered on Henya's delicate wings, causing the feathers to sizzle and burn. Henya screamed pitifully as physics and aerodynamics caused his body to plot a course towards the two remaining grease pits.  
  
Upon hitting the vats of caustic slime, the pits overflowed, leaking their contents onto the floor...and onto Henya...who within seconds was turned into a shuddering, quivering, mass.  
  
"Ew! EW EW EW EW! IT BURNS! THE SMELL, IT BURNS! I'll NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN!!!!!! MY EYES!!! MY WINGS! OH, ZEE HUMANITY! ZEE HUMANITY!"  
  
Tsubame and Yahiko emerged from the Habanero Hut, victorious. The grease pits had been emptied. Of course, they had been emptied onto the floor, but they had been emptied nonetheless.  
  
Everyone cheered. Yahiko had saved the day! Everyone cheered, except for Saitou...  
  
Who merely crossed his arms and muttered:  
  
"Inconceivable."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
**In Our Next Chapter: Oh good lord. Does it even -matter- what happens in the next chapter? This chapter shouldn't have been written. The last chapter shouldn't have been written. None of this makes any sense!   
  
**Author Notes:   
  
I referenced several movies in this chapter, more than usual. So, excerpts are blatantly stolen from, The Princess Bride, Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail, and Pulp Fiction.  
  
Thank you to all the reviewers of this really odd story. I'm so glad that you keep reading.   
  
So, SUPERSIZED ROYALE WITH CHEESE thankyous to: Audi Daudi, Angel of the Deceased, Silent Tears of Agony, Neko Oni-chan, Ron Weasley, misaoshiru, ooka-chan, eriesalia, Cat H, Hiei-Sama-676, Kitty Katana, EK, Laurika, yamitamashii, Wolfgirl13, emi-chan', ChiisaiLammy, Night-Mare-Chan, Veleda, April-san, Lizzy44, Rainchaser, haku baikou, caitlin, Tenniyo, Wistful-Eyes, Capricorn89, Missbehavin, Shihali, Riverwood, Myvan, Super-Sheba, ^_____^, Johanna Gen & her muses, Starlit Anabelle, Catnip, MZ.AMbER EYES, AngelKitten4, SilverYumeTenshi, and Houndingwolf!  
  
You are all the cheese on my taco of evil. 


	7. Chapter 7: War of the Poofs

-------------------------------------  
  
Chapter Seven: War of the Poofs  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
"Shishio-sama, I found this gentleman wandering around behind the Laundromat. He says he wants to speak to you," Houji said, ushering Aoshi Shinomori into the room.  
  
"That'll be all, greasy minion," Shishio replied, flicking his fingers lazily at Houji to dismiss the oil-covered man. They'd dipped him in peanut oil, but had forgotten to boil it beforehand. Houji was, frankly, beginning to reek. Shishio sighed inwardly. Minions were such trouble. You had to torture them psychologically, emotionally, physically. It really became such a nuisance. Beating them. Setting them on fire. Covering them with whipped cream. Dressing them up in frilly smocks. Taking them out to utterly yummy shoe sales. Shoe sales! Ahh. The complete terror of finding the right strappy sandal. Oh wait. Right. This Shinomori fellow.   
  
"I've come about..." Aoshi began.  
  
"Yes, yes, I know. Just a bit off the sides, if you would. I know there's not much to work with, but if you could give it a try. Yumi's just terrible at this sort of thing, you understand?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Shishio Makoto pulled at the sparse bits of hair sticking out between his bandages, "Just can't do a thing with it. Perhaps I need some hair extensions, you know?"  
  
"What are you..."  
  
"Have to look my best for the duel with the Hitokiri Stainmaster," Shishio continued, "Give me something fierce. A bold statement. Something strong. Can you possibly make me look like Vin Diesel?"  
  
Aoshi Shinomori's fingers inched towards his kodachis. Oh, he'd give this moron a bit of a trim, alright. He'd chop all of the man's hair off, and the rest of his head, too, with one quick blow. "First of all, Vin Diesel is bald. Second of all, I am not a hairdresser!"  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
Shishio leaned back in his plush chair with a huff. "Well, I mean, look at you, anyone could make the mistake."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Your hair is trimmed neatly. You're wearing that ostentatious trenchcoat. And...well..." Shishio shrugged and motioned towards Aoshi's feet. "Aren't your shoes Italian? I mean, seriously. Anyone might mistake you for a poof. And, since most poofs are good with hair, I just figured..."  
  
"I am not a poof!! I AM A NINJA!" Aoshi drew his kodachis, flailing them around in the air with great aplomb, "See?"  
  
"Ooo. Calm down there, big boy. No need to wave around your long, hard, instruments of torture. No need to thrust them about in the air so...forcefully. I mean, to each his own. If you dig men..."  
  
"Look. Would you please just listen for a moment? I'm here for the Stainmaster."  
  
Shishio's eyes grew wide as he leaned forward with interest, "Really? I always thought he was a bit girly, but frankly, I never figured he'd go for the tall, severe, kodachi-waving type. Though, there was this doujinshi with you...and Himura..."  
  
Aoshi's shoulders dropped as he sheathed his kodachis and put his fingers against his temple. He was beginning to have -quite- a headache. "No, you idiot, I'm here to -kill- him."  
  
"Lover's quarrel?"  
  
"NO. I AM HERE TO AVENGE THE DEATHS OF MY COMRADES!"  
  
"You mean Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin?"  
  
"NO! HANNYA, SHIKIJO, HYOTOKKO AND BESHIMI!"  
  
"Oh?" Slowly, a light came on in the mind of Shishio Makoto. A blue light. Kind of like at K-Mart, when things went on sale. Or maybe more like the blue light of a police car. Except, you know, without the red light, or the siren, or a car. Well, alright, maybe more like one of those bug zappers. Dimly glowing, making an annoying humming sound, occasionally crackling as suicidal neurons leapt from Shishio Makoto's psychotic head. Yes. A light like that. "OH! Sensational! Right on. Good to meet you, then. Hold on. Are you...perchance...evil? I really only hire evil people."  
  
"Fine. Yes. I'm completely evil. Just...tell me where the Stainmaster is," Shinomori mumbled, wondering Misao had invented aspirin yet.  
  
"All in good time, my boy. He's fighting some of my minions at the moment. Yumi will show you to a room where you can wait for him. But, first..."  
  
"Aa?"  
  
"You said you're a ninja, right?"  
  
"Aa."  
  
"Good with those blades, and all? Very...precise?"  
  
"Aa."  
  
"Well, then, if you could just take a bit off the sides, I'd be ever so grateful."  
  
Aoshi sighed. Such were the eternal torments of a truly accomplished shinobi. "Alright. But I'm not giving you a blow dry."  
  
-------------------------------  
  
After sending the heroic Yahiko off to escort Tsubame home, the Kenshingumi, led by the TenClean, scuttled into the next room. But, once there, they did not find their next opponent....  
  
Instead, they found several guys playing cards.  
  
"Shishou?" Kenshin blinked rapidly and stared at the three normal-sized, and one GIANT figure all sitting around a table, playing poker. "Shishou, why are you here?"  
  
"Playing cards with some friends. What does it look like, baka deshi?" Hiko looked around the table, smirked and dealt himself another card. "Alright, if I win, you have to take my idiotic pupil back to your fandom."  
  
"Does he turn into a girl?" Ranma asked, "Cause we can't have any more of that, over at our place."  
  
"No," Hiko replied, motioning in the direction of Kenshin, "He just -looks- like a girl."  
  
"Shishou! Sessha doesn't look like a girl! Sessha is merely of a diminutive stature. Sessha was -blessed- with radiant and unblemished skin, with willowy limbs and high cheekbones, with a dainty upturned nose. Sessha can't help it if he has a lean body and svelte hips which look like they could bear children."  
  
After a brief amount of coughing, Hiko looked back at his cards, "Alright. You don't look like a girl. You look like a -woman-. That make you happier, you weepy little..."  
  
"I'm very manly!"  
  
"Shut up, I'm trying to bet. So, what about it, Inuyasha-kun? Deal?"  
  
The white-haired boy lifted his foot and scratched his pronounced ears with it. "Deal. But, if I win, you have to take my brother. And no, Ranma, before you even ask, he doesn't turn into a girl. He turns into a dog."  
  
"Hmmm," Hiko replied pensively, looking up at Fuji and then back at his cards, "Does he do anything useful?"  
  
"He's good with a sword, is completely arrogant, and wears a lot of white clothing," Inuyasha replied, his ears twitching. Suddenly, Inuyasha wondered if Hiko had only invited him because of some sick joke about 'Dogs Playing Poker'.  
  
"Hm." Hiko poured another cup of sake for Fuji as he considered the bet. "Sounds like my kind of guy. But, can this brother of yours -drink-, Inuyasha-kun?"  
  
"I don't think he does. He does come complete with his own contingent of screaming fangirls, though."  
  
"Excellent. Alright. How about you, Ranma? What's your bet?"  
  
The dark haired youth shrugged and replied, "I'll give you my father. He's very useful if you, say, have an emergency requiring the use of a giant panda."  
  
"And Fuji?"  
  
Everyone looked up at the massive man, expectantly. Fuji blinked, once, twice, and then suddenly lurched to the side. Like a massive redwood, the giant man fell, landing on his side with a resounding thud.  
  
"Is he dead?" Inuyasha asked.  
  
"No," Hiko replied, "Just drunk."  
  
Ranma tilted his head and poked the fallen warrior in the toe. "What should we do, Hiko-sama?"  
  
"Haven't you ever heard the saying 'Let sleeping giants lie'? No? In that case, get my spelunking equipment, boys. We're going in through the nose."  
  
"WHY THE HELL WOULD WE DO THAT?"  
  
"Because he snorted a line of my pottery, and I want it back."  
  
"Like hell," Inuyasha said, throwing his cards down, "There ain't no fucking way I'm going up Fuji-san's nose."  
  
"Me neither," Ranma agreed.  
  
"I've got pictures of Kagome and Akane naked."  
  
"Into the nose it is!" Ranma and Inuyasha both stood up and immediately began preparing for the expedition.  
  
Hiko, on the other hand, strode over to his baka deshi's party and looked down at them. "What are you doing here, anyway?"  
  
Kenshin, looking not at all like a girl, and very manly indeed (cough), straightened his back and said, "We're going to save the laundry of Japan from EVIL, that we are!"  
  
Hiko's left eyebrow twitched. Then Hiko's right eyebrow twitched. Then, the master of the Ajax Superscrubber Ryu leaned back, his hands on his hips and burst into the most powerful set of guffaws anyone ever heard. Everyone looked at each other in confusion. Hiko's laughter went on and on, and when he was finally finished, he reached down, patted Kenshin on the top of the head, and replied, "Whatever you say, m'boy."  
  
"Shishou...that's not nice..." Kenshin squeaked, "Don't you remember? Sessha was the Hitokiri Stainmaster? Sessha traveled from one end of Japan to the other, stealing laundry, ruthlessly bleaching everything in sight..."  
  
"Is -that- what you were doing?" Hiko asked, "Oh shit. I thought you just liked handling women's underthings."  
  
"Shishou!"  
  
"Either that or you were trying them on. You were, weren't you? Admit it, you cheeky little queen. I know you used my potter's paints as makeup from time to time."  
  
"SHISHOU!"  
  
"It's okay Kenshin," Kaoru finally said, putting her hand on the former Stainmaster's shoulder, "We've always known, you know...that you're a bit...well...effeminate."  
  
"Kaoru-dono! Not you -too-!"  
  
"Well, I did catch you trying on my kimono that time..."  
  
"SESSHA WAS HEMMING IT!"  
  
"And there was that time when you had Tsubame braid your hair so you could look pretty when you had tea with Suzume and Ayame."  
  
"But..."  
  
"Kenshin," Sanosuke said, "You once turned down my offer to go gambling so you could 'do your nails'."  
  
"A good manicure is necessary for proper hygiene, that it is!"  
  
"Shut up, Stainmaster," Saitou interjected, "Everyone knows you're a poof. I know it. These people know it. The Scrubbygumi knew it. In fact, if you'll refer to page twelve of this doujinshi..." Saitou reached into his shirt and pulled out the first object he found, "You'll see that all of Japan knows it."  
  
"Um, Saitou...that's..."  
  
"What a kawaiiiiiii puppy!" Misao screamed.   
  
Saitou immediately stuffed the Okita-puppy back into his shirt. "Nevermind about the puppy. You did not see that puppy."  
  
Kenshin crossed his arms and shifted his weight, "Well. At least Sessha doesn't entrap small animals in his clothing. Pervert."  
  
"Well, baka deshi, I'll leave you to your...adventure. I have some pottery to retrieve," Hiko said, motioning towards Fuji's face, which, through the efforts of Ranma and Inuyasha now had ropes and climbing equipment strewn across it. "But, I will leave you with some words of wisdom which will not make any sense to you until you need them much further down the line. Are you ready? Everyone get ready. I am going to say something incredibly, ponderously, indubitably wise."  
  
"Uhhh..." Sano looked at Misao, "Do you actually believe he's going to say something wise?"  
  
"Does anyone?" Misao replied.  
  
Hiko stood up straight and coughed into his hand several times. "Ahem. Ahem. Here we go."  
  
"..." (All around Japan, crickets chirped.)  
  
"Water, be it cold or hot, is wet. Water is very, very, wet."  
  
"That's it?" Everyone asked in unison.  
  
"Hey!" Ranma shouted as he stepped into Fuji's nose, "Quit making fun of me Hiko!"  
  
----------------------------------  
  
"Saitou..." Sanosuke asked quietly, "Why would you be reading a doujinshi featuring Kenshin, anyway?"  
  
"Shut up, ahou." Saitou poked the squirming bundle in his shirt, "That goes for you too, Okita."  
  
"Fuckin' Scrubbygumi poof," Sano muttered, shaking his head sadly.  
  
----------------------------------  
  
"Hey, that actually looks pretty good," Shishio said, peering at his reflection in the mirror being held up by Aoshi Shinomori, "Fabulous, actually. I look righteously evil with this hair style."  
  
"Whatever. Are we finished?"  
  
"Aren't you going to do my nails, Shinomori?"  
  
"I AM NOT A BEAUTICIAN! I AM A NINJA! I STRIKE TERROR INTO THE HEARTS OF ALL WHO OPPOSE ME. I THINK ONLY OF MY REVENGE, of getting the STRONGEST DYE TO..."  
  
"I'll do yours afterwards, if you want. Tinkerbelle pink. It'll bring out the brooding pathos in your eyes."  
  
"Oh, alright."  
  
(Five minutes later.)  
  
"So I says to Yumi, I says, 'Bring me the flying monkeys.' And she handed me Henya. Isn't that hilarious? Oh darling, you should have seen it, the look on the Stainmaster's face when those puppies started coming out of the walls. It was priceless, I tell you. Just priceless. That Stainmaster, he's...well...you know..."  
  
Aoshi looked up from painting Shishio's nails, his face locked in intense concentration. "He's a poof."  
  
"You think so?"  
  
"Are you kidding me? All of Japan knows that. Have you seen the way he prances around in that pink gi? I mean, take a look at page twelve of this doujinshi..."  
  
"But, what about the girl, what's her name, Kamiya?"  
  
"Fag hag."  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"I am tho therious it isn't even funny."  
  
"Hey, you just lisped, Shinomori!"  
  
"Ahem. Yes, well," Aoshi returned to painting Shishio's nails, "Among the ninjas, lisping just means you're very virile and manly."  
  
"Yeah," Shishio replied, rolling his eyes. "Right."  
  
---------------------------------  
  
"If you will follow Yumi-san," Soujirou said, motioning with his Yumi-puppet, "We'll move on to the next duel. This time, you face the monk. But, please remember, once you've gone inside, there's no turning back. So, shall we continue?"  
  
"I'll take 'Get The Fuck On With It' for a thousand, Alex," Sano quipped.  
  
"No, no, let's choose door number TWO!" Kaoru said, hopping up and clapping her hands with glee.  
  
"Ooo. Big bucks, big bucks, NO WHAMMIES!" Misao screamed.  
  
Saitou pushed his way to the front of the group. "Look, I'm going to fucking kick you all off the island if you don't shut up!"  
  
"Ahem," Kenshin said quietly, "Sessha would like to remind you all that this isn't a game show. This is serious business, it is. There is evil involved. And laundry. And possibly also tacos, but I am still not quite sure how they fall on the scale of evil and good... Anyway, Soujirou-kun, if you would continue..."  
  
"Are you sure you wish to go inside?" Soujirou asked.  
  
"Yes. Sessha is certain."  
  
"Is that your...final answer, Stainmaster?"  
  
"Yes. That is my final answer."  
  
"Alright," Soujirou said, opening the door and doing his best impression of Rod Roddy, "Himura Kenshin, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestant on: The Price is White. Bleached white, that is. Tell him what he's won, Don Pardo."  
  
As the door swung open, a man wearing monk's robes strode out into the hallway, slapped Kaoru on the ass and said, "Name's Miroku. And you've won the chance to bear my children."  
  
"HEY! DO NOT TOUCH KAORU-DONO LIKE THAT!"  
  
"What does it matter to you, poof?"  
  
"SESSHA IS -NOT- A POOF!"  
  
"That's not what this doujinshi says. See here, on page twelve..."  
  
At that point, Kamiya Kaoru spun around and decked Miroku so hard that he lost consciousness. The monk hit the floor with a loud -thump-, and there he would lie until later collected by a snot-drenched Inuyasha.  
  
"K...k...Kaoru-dono?" Kenshin asked timidly.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Kenshin," Kaoru said, cracking her knuckles, "I'm man enough for the both of us."  
  
As they strode inside Anji's room, Kenshin whispered to Kaoru, "Sessha was going to hit him, you know, for insulting your honor and all. You just didn't give me the chance."  
  
"I know Kenshin. I know. I just didn't want you to break a nail."  
  
---------------------------------  
  
In Our Next Chapter: Anji!  
  
Author Note: None of the characters are actually poofs. Any likeness to actual poofs, real or fictional, is merely coincidental. Please consult your nearest hairdresser for further details.  
  
Poof - Effeminate or possibly gay person.  
  
Doujinshi - Fan-made mangas.  
  
Rod Roddy - Old announcer for famous American game show "The Price is Right".  
  
Vin Diesel - Actor  
  
"Big Bucks, No Whammies" - Commonly used line on game show "Press Your Luck".  
  
"Door Number Two" - Three doors were a common choice for contestants on game show "Let's Make a Deal".   
  
A special thanks to all the reviewers of The Hitokiri Stainmaster, poofs and non-poofs alike. I cherish every single crazy review. So, thank you to you: pocky-girl, myrrdinowl, secretarytocapt3 (I'll mention your boiling bleach suggestion to Shishio after Shinomori finishes his nails), MZ.AMbER EYES, SilverYumeTenshi, The Monster in your Dreams, Tenniyo, Oro-chan no Tenshi, EK, Cherry Delight, Veleda, Toilet Marauder (I'll mention your laundry connundrum to the Stainmaster), April-san, Jieli, Lizzy44, ooka-chan, misaoshiru, Steeple333, eriesalia, Wistful-Eyes, Dork in Training, conspirator, Ron Weasley, Kazoku Okami (So glad I can entertain the whole family! Don't know about Hot and Cold, though!), MissBehavin (Chuckle. Hasn't -everyone- seen that website?), and Gemini1.  
  
And Offended: I know that Australians do not speak like that. I think everyone does. That was, in fact, the joke? I'm sorry if my writing did not make it clear that I was lampooning a scene from Monty Python's 'Holy Grail'. 


	8. Chapter 8: I Like Pie

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- 

Chapter Eight: Interlude

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

And now, to review, in song:

A man is a man, unless he's a poof  
And 'no bleaching' is now the Stainmaster's truth.  
Into the hideout of evil we go  
To battle the stains, like a game show!

Misao fell on the scythe-wielder so queer  
Yahiko met grease pits without any fear,  
Chou's hair was singed, and that's a fact.  
Shishio and Aoshi made a strange pact.

There are puppies and puppets and possibly pies.  
Hiko plays cards and is (of course) wise.  
Tacos and evil and more tacos, yes please.  
Shishio compares beautiful Yumi to cheese.

Stainmaster Kenshin, what will you do?  
Without bleaching...the laundry is blue  
Just like your nemesis, the big silly smurf!  
Watch out! Watch out! This is his turf! 

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Chapter Eight: I Like Pie

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Soujirou and the Yumi puppet pushed open the door, completely ignoring the half-dead Miroku. (Please have no fear. No lecherous monks were seriously harmed in the making of this fanfic.)

The gentle smell of pie flooded the hallway, and the nostrils of the Kenshingumi.

(The Kenshingumi is not to be confused with the Scrubbygumi, or the forces of Shishio's mighty "Cleany Tori". We should also probably mention the formidable Gummygumi, which is not present in this time, but should be contacted if you need to get gum out of anything. Hair. Carpet. Small or large ninjas. An elephant's ear. Iizuka's regrettable excuse for a moustache. Miami. Anything. DO NOT attempt to remove gum on your own. It is a sticky affair which is best left to the professionals.)

(And who -puts- gum in things, anyway? That's right, the Hitokiri Bubblesai. He is -not- the focus of this epic, but 'Hitokiri Bubblesai' does rhyme with 'delicious pie', and I think we can all agree that -pie- is quite delicious.)

"Why does it smell of pie in here?" Kaoru tilted her face upwards to sniff at the air. "Pumpkin pie."

"Ah yes. That would be Anji-san." Soujirou did a graceful pirouette across the candle-lit room, leaped, spun, shook, twirled, wriggled, hopped, shimmied, twisted, convulsed, writhed, jumped forward, jumped backward, put his right foot in, put his right foot out, he did the Hokey Pokey, and he shook it all about. And he shook the Yumi Puppet, too, which made certain parts of the doll's anatomy bounce rather lewdly.

Sano gawked at the Yumi Puppet.

Kaoru looked at Kenshin.

Kenshin looked at the ceiling.

Misao looked down her own shirt and sighed.

And Saitou shifted his weight uncomfortably, due to the fact that a certain puppy was licking his navel.

"Who is Anji-san, Seta-san?" Kenshin finally asked, "And why does he smell like pie?"

"Anji-san is your next opponent. And, all monks smell like pie, Himura-san."

"That's just ridiculous," Saitou declared as he finally managed to get Okita-chan to fall asleep by quietly asserting that it was completely untrue that Harada-san had been reincarnated as a rooster-headed streetfighter.

"Yes. I mean," Kaoru pursed her lips, "Shouldn't they smell like incense or something?"

"No, no." Soujirou waved the Yumi Puppet's arms around to emphasize his point. "The incense is to -cover- the smell of pie. Monks constantly worry about being eaten by a Grue."

"A...grue?" Kenshin asked.

"Terrible creatures that crave pie. They live in the dark. That's why monks are forever lighting candles."

"How awful," Kaoru murmured.

And then, into the view of the Kenshin-crew came the man with no hairdo. He was tall, he was wide, and he never ever lied. Anji! Three cheers for Anji!

Sanosuke was astounded! "Hey, I know that guy!"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

(Some weeks earlier.)

(At a pie stand.)

(Outside of Tokyo.)

(Way outside.)

(Like Albuquerque.)

(Albuquerque, Japan. Not Albuquerque, New Mexico. Sanosuke was lost, but not -that- lost.)

(What do you mean that you don't believe there is an Albuquerque in Japan? It's right here on the map, see?)

(So what if someone wrote it on the map in crayon? Look, are you going to let us finish this flashback, or what?)

(Hey! What's wrong with you? Why are you pouring water on the map?)

(What do you mean you're trying to put the Ajax Superscrubber Ryu into action? This is no time for foolishness! Don't you know anything about flashbacks? They are serious business. And, inevitably, something really tragic happens, like lots of orphans get killed, or some nutjob of a little boy takes a sword and slaughters his family, or someone reveals the utterly heart-wrenching reason why they just -have- to destroy Japan.)

(Damn right, you're sorry. Let's begin again.)

(Some weeks earlier, at a pie stand...)

Sanosuke walked up to a pie stand. He liked pie.

Anji was also at the pie stand. He was getting a pie, too.

"Well, hello there," said Sano. "Getting a pie?"

"Yes," said Anji, "I am getting a pie."

"Pie is good. Only insane people don't like pie."

Anji nodded, watched his new friend wave and walk off, and then proceeded to smash the pie stand to bits.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

"Worst. Flashback. Ever." Misao mumbled. It didn't even have any wombats. What sort of flashback didn't include wombats? Or ninjas? Or at the very least, Aoshi-sama?

"Kenshin, let me handle this guy." Sanosuke pulled his giant toothbrush out and tilted his head towards Anji. "We have a score to settle anyway. He crushed my favorite pie stand."

"You will not survive," Anji intoned quietly, "Please leave this place, and no further harm will come to you."

"Yeah! But, what about the INNOCENT PIES OF JAPAN! WHEN WILL IT END? WHEN WILL THE REIGN OF TERROR UPON ALL PIEDOM CEASE?"

Kenshin sighed slightly. When pies were involved, Sano really got worked up.

"Let the rooster fight, Stainmaster," Saitou grumbled, "I think we all need a good laugh about now, anyway."

Sano stepped forward and planted his feet firmly on the ground. Well, we mean that he was standing solidly. He didn't actually 'plant' his feet, because that would require digging, and tilling, and watering. And as any farmer knows, roosters are neither fruits nor vegetables. Roosters are are actually minerals, and have to be mined in Nagasaki stone quarries by Oompa Loompas.

Oompa Loompas, on the other hand, grow on trees.

At any rate, Sanosuke faced his opponent, his giant toothbrush 'Sugarplums' at the ready. "Name your challenge, Anji!"

Anji turned slowly and pointed at the many gigantic tapestries hanging around the monastery-like room. Then he took out a stick of incense. "Whomever cleans the most tapestries before this stick of incense burns out will be considered the winner. The loser must...stay here and meditate for one full month upon his loss."

Saitou snorted. "I'd like to see the rooster sit and meditate for one full minute."

Misao piped up. "Aoshi-sama likes to mediate!"

But, everyone ignored her.

"Tell me, Anji-san," Kenshin said, "Why do you have such hatred for pies, anyway?"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

(Long ago.)

(More than a month.)

(What do you mean, "Are we going to go through this again?")

(Forget the map to Albuquerque. The map has nothing to do with -this- flashback.)

(Stop hitting me. Look, can't we let the poor monk have a proper flashback? I mean, geez, look at the dude. He doesn't even have any hair. Actually, he looks a bit like Mr. Clean, you know? That would have been a good comparison for -someone- to work into this story.)

(Actually, I rather liked that little jingle. You know, 'Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean'. I can't remember any of the other words to it, though.)

(You know, I think every single person around here has had a flashback at one time or another. Kenshin. Kaoru. All of them. It's probably some sort of communicable disease. And, speaking of diseases, why isn't Megumi in this story? I will tell you why. It's because -she- has a -job-. Responsible people, who actually DO something for a living, don't go around chasing devious laundry thieves. I mean, what sort of nonsense is that, anyway? With a premise like that, it's no wonder that they can't get a first rate flashback going.)

(Crap job it is, anyway, introducing flashbacks. You never get to be the hero of the story. You never actually get to do anything cool just introducing flashbacks. Before I introduced flashbacks for a living, I had a dream. A real dream. All I really wanted in life...was to be...a lumberjack.)

(Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The Fir! The Larch! The Redwood! The mighty Scots Pine!)

(The plucky little Aspen! The great limping rude tree of Nigeria!)

(The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees!)

(With my best gal by my side, we'd sing, SING... )

(Ohhhhhh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay...)

(...Why are you hitting me again?)

(What do you mean the flashback is already over?)

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

Kaoru wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. "My...goodness, Anji-san, that's so...so horrible."

Misao, who had already gone through several tissues during the course of Anji's tragic story, grabbed Saitou's sleeve and proceeded to use it to blow her nose.

Kenshin looked saddened by the story, but shook his head. "Nonetheless, Anji-san, your horrific past is no reason to continue your pie-destroying crimes. I was once the Hitokiri Stainmaster, and look at me now, I am a simple but happy wanderer, able to daily clean Kaoru-dono's underthings without resorting to Bleaching."

"He says that as if it's a step up," Saitou said, lighting another cigarette.

Kaoru turned bright pink at the thought of Kenshin handling her underthings. Not quite the same pink as the Pink Gi of Atonement. No, more of a coral color, really. Although, in certain lights it might be considered 'carnation' or even 'morganite'. Perhaps with a touch of 'salmon', but you really don't want to compare a girl's cheeks to a fish lightly. Unless she's the sort of girl who looks like a fish, which Kaoru was certainly not. She was the sort of girl who looks like a tanuki.

"Look, Anji," Sano said, "I accept your challenge."

Anji nodded. He wasn't much for talking.

And then he lit the incense.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

The two men squared off in the giant room, each one unflinchingly staring at the other. Eyes narrowed. Muscles bulged. Sano smirked. Anji...did nothing. Because he's an inscrutable sort of monk, and that's the way things go with those types.

"What the heck are they waiting for?" Misao asked. "Don't they know the incense is already lit, and they are running out of time?"

With that, the two men launched into action. Sano headed for the nearest tapestry, affixed some cleaning solution to his giant toothbrush, and began to scrub.

Anji, on the other hand, walked to the tapestry nearest to him, reared back, and with one fist punched the tapestry. In an instant, all of the dust, dirt, grime, and filth immediately shook from the tapestry and fell to the floor. He had cleaned it with a single punch!

"Impossible," said Misao.

"Incredible," uttered Saitou.

"Um, Kenshin... About my underthings..." whispered Kaoru.

Kenshin, who was not paying any attention to Kaoru, said, "Sano! He's too strong. You'll never make it. Let me step in. You can get the next one."

(Soujirou was off in the corner playing with a puppy. He felt a strange, but special bond with the puppy. It was if, in another lifetime, he'd been a puppy like this. A strong puppy, one which belonged to a pack of legendary Wolves...)

"Give me that." Saitou yanked Okita-chan away from Soujirou and stuffed the dog back into his shirt.

Anji continued to punch tapestry after tapestry. Each time, the dirt on the tapestry fell away, leaving behind only clean cloth. By the time Sanosuke was finished scrubbing his first tapestry, Anji had already cleaned a dozen.

"Damnit! Damnit!" Sano increased the pace of his cleaning, but no matter what he did, there was no way he was going to be able to keep up with Anji. "I've got to use my head. I've got to...use my...head."

And that's when Sanosuke -literally- used his head. He rammed his noggin into one of the large tapestries, and sent it flying at Anji. Next, he pulled down another tapestry and hurled it at the brawny monk. Then another, and another, until Yuukyuzan Anji was covered in the tapestries.

"Now you're in a dark little maze of twisted tapestries, all alike," pronounced Sano.

A noise came from the lump of tapestries. A noise which sounded like, "Oh no. Not again. I didn't bring a candle."

And then, soon after that, there was a ferocious roar. Anji-san's left foot appeared, and then his right foot fell out. The pile quaked and shimmied, and shook all about. It did the Hokey Pokey and it turned itself around. That's what it was all about.

"My goodness, what happened here?" Kaoru asked, as she approached the steaming pile of tapestries. She pulled back layer after layer only to find that, except for his feet, Yuukyuzan Anji had completely disappeared.

Sanosuke, who had gone back to cleaning his share of the tapestries, looked over his shoulder to explain, "Soujirou said it. All I had to do was snuff out all the light around Anji. Then, he was eaten by the Grue."

"That's just awful," Misao said. She'd never resort to unleashing a Grue on her enemies. No. Wombats, maybe, but never a Grue!

"Don't worry." Sanosuke grinned and looked over at Anji's feet. "He's a monk. He'll reincarnate."

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

(Many years later.)

(On a Tuesday in February.)

(Kyoto.)

(The one in Japan. Not the one in New Mexico.)

Young Yuukyuzan Anji wandered through town. He'd been considering entering the priesthood, but he wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do. Somehow, he'd long aspired to a higher calling. Something subtle, but crafty. Something which would put him close to the action, close enough to help others...

Anji peered up at the sign over the building and headed inside. He looked around for a moment at the sad, barren office, and the young man sitting behind the counter with the goofy grin on his face, looking at a large piece of paper.

Anji bowed quietly, and said, "I'm here about the job introducing flashbacks."

The man behind the counter smiled, and handed over the map.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

In Our Next Chapter: Usui! Maybe!

Author's Notes:

Grue: A monster from the legendary "Zork" game. It existed in complete darkness. See wikipedia under "grue".

"I'm a lumberjack...": Old Monty Python skit.

Albuquerque: As far as I know, there isn't one in Japan.

"A maze of twisty passages...": A line from the infamous "Colossal Cave Adventure" game. See wikipedia under "Colossal Cave Adventure".

Mr. Clean: Cleaning mascot. Bald and brawny. Though "Brawny" is a different cleaning product altogether, and generally employs a rather lumberjack looking fellow.


End file.
